Realization

The last two days have been Very eye opening.
Recently I made the decision to drop out of Junior College and persue my nursing goal through Western Career College.
Doing so, is going to get me where I want to be ALOT sooner.
The downside is that it is a big difference in cost and is more intense.
My school days willbe4-5 days a week, anywhere from 8-12 hour days.
CRAZY right?
Although the stress may be overwhelming, The fast pace is also extremely motivating to Kick "Annie" to the curb.
There is absoultely NO way I will succeed a high demand course under Annies supervision.

Nursing used to be my main motivator in the past, but trying to achieve it in a public college is discourageing.
*The wait to get into the Nursing program at De Anza is generally 2-3 years. That doesnt even include the time it takes to complete all required classes in order to actually apply for the program.

Basically, WCC is going to cut out any unnecessary waiting time.
To me, the $ is worth it.

ok now to the ACTUAL point of this post...
Yesterday I wasinformed that my assessment test was today; the test is a 3 part timed test. (Language ,Reading and Math)
So yesterday I pulled out old math books to help me prepare... Wow that proved how much i have damaged my brain through starvation.
**I couldnt remember how to do Basic math (decimals, linear equations ect.)
Reviewing ended up creating a emotional break down. =(

I used to be so smart, really good at math and years of starving has had a major effect.
I couldnt comprehend the reading either without having to read it 4-5 times.
well I ended PASSING my test anyways but this experience has really made me think.

*My Eating Disorder isnt going to get me ANYWHERE I WANT to be...

instead, it will kepp me from moving out, achieving my dreamed career and having a family, not to mention that it will also bring a lot of pain to the ones who love me.

Why do I want to be Thin so bad?

What will that do for me?

It definately doesnt make a difference about how i feel about myself or make me any happier.

So starting at 8am tomorrow, I am getting back on track. I Want a life. MY LIFE.
I know it will be a struggle, I just need to re-question myself ,
"What does being thin do for me really?"

wish me luck...

Its been awhile....

So it has been almost 6months since ive posted anything & I wish I had a Good update, but don't.
Since My last entry, I have been in El Camino Hospital's inpatient (7days) and Their eating disorder PHP.
First let me say that El Camino does NOT have an Eating Disorder program or protocal in the Inpatient, yet they have a PHP...
Makes no sense right?
Anyways, I went into their inpatient because Dr. Mcknight at Herrick Refused to let me back. I started out horrible in my disorder the first couple days and then realized that if I were to get back on track, that it was because I wanted to and it would make me stronger doing it without ED protocal.
Thats right, No RD following my meals, No meal supervision, and No "on site" restrictions folling meal times. I did well for about 5 days. Then signed out and went to the ED PHP.
Mon-Fri 9am-6pm and some meal times on Sat & Sun.
It was Intense!
The first 15days were a struggle but I was doing GREAT!
Then on monday FEB. 15 2010 my Grandpa died.
He had cancer, but STARVATION is what killed him,
to make things worse, I witnessed his death.
IT KILLED ME.
That fri before his death he asked me to make him a promise,
""mija I love you. you are my baby. Promise me No matter what happens you will do all you can to overcome your ED. Promise me that you will get better."
I promised...
but after that day things went down hill....
car accident.
dads alcoholism.
Relationship problems.
I didnt know what to do.

Lets fast forward,
Today I continue to struggle.
worsening everyday.
Im stuck.
Lost.
HOPELESS.

Now what to do?
help. please.

Self punishment??

Why do I keep doing this to myself?

Does it make me happier?

NO! definately NOT

So why do it?

*

Why starve myself and obsess over every food item that is put in front me?

Why weigh myself and feel like a failure no matter what the number is?

Why isolate and push everyone around me away?

Why punish myself???

Because its what I feel I deserve.

*

I hurt everyone close to me esp. my family.

I have this fuckin Disorder that I seem incapable of beating.

Annie (ed), has taken EVERYTHING away,

Family, Respect, School, Jobs, relationships and friend,

So why doI keep her around.

Maybe because I feel a comfort knowing that she will always be there if I need or want her to.

Shit she will be there Even if I DONT.

She will NOT abandon or turn her back on me.

But FUCK Deep Down I DO NOT want this!!!

I am NOT happy.

I hate Annie.

She Hurts me the most.

*

I want to be happy again.

I want to be in Recovery.

I want to be able to go on outings and NOT have to worry about meals.

I want people to want to be around me again.

I want to make People happy

Most of all I WANT to make MYSELF happy!!!

The New Year...

So today is the start a new year, and it ALREADY sucks!!
My parents have noticed that i have been struggling alot and today it finally came up in a conversation.
These convos. NEVER go well...

Situation:

My mother comes into my room after dinner.

"SO what is bothering you"

Me:"i dont know, to be honest"

Mom:"You dont know!???, Then how are we suppose to help you?"

Me: (maybe to honest) I dont know, i dont know what is wrong and i dont know whether i even want help."

Mom: [stares at me from my doorway, doesnt say anything and SLAMs my door shut. Storms off and leaves home]

This DEFINATELY does NOT help. Now i feel even Worse. I dont know what to do. I know that it hurts and frustrates them, but what can i do? Its NOT all about them!! Im Obsviously NOT happy!! But why??

I have no clue.

Im overwhelmed.

I cant even think clearly about what i want.

I'm stuck.

paralyzed...

Its been a couple of days and i still feel stuck.

This ED really has me and I think im in denial.

I tell myself that im struggling but not much.

A Lie.

I tell myself that I can keep going on the cals that im eating.

A Lie.

People ask, How are you doing?

I smile and say im great,

A Lie.

Its funny how dishonesty is my biggest turn off i see in people,

But when it comes to Annie, I hardly speak the truth.

Hypocrite.

I know where this cycle goes if i dont pick it up; Is that enough?

I want to live, I want the chance to follow my dreams but most of all I just

want to be happy... Is there a such thing??

5 years, I have been in this battle. Living in and out of hospitals, hurting myself as well as the ones who love me.

How can I be so selfish?

Justin and I have been seperated for two weeks now (another thing torn by ED)

and all i want is to be happy together like before.

He has told me That Is NOT possible with annie on the side,

He does not want to be with me if i do not chose recovery.

Motivation.

But is it enough?

two days ago I tried to convience myself that i was going to use this break up as motivation.

I want him more than I want Annie.

Do i really?

Two days and things are getting worse!

Excuses:

"I already fucked up my metabolism. If i pick my cals back to where they need to be i will get fat! Look at me, I cant afford to gain ANY more weight!!!!"

"At least im still eating something"

"I will start fresh tomorrow"

Where does all this get me?

NO WHERE

I NEED to get back on track.

Not this week, not after the weekend, not tomorrow, TODAY.

"SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE!"

"It takes just as much willpower to fight towards recovery as it does to
starve and slowly kill yourself"

Cant get any worse...

Why is that when you think things are hard enough, they get worse?
So, the last couple of days have been a big struggle.
I hate the way I look and the amount of food is being required that i eat.
Is boxing really worth it??
I ask myself this multiple times a day...
Life SUCKS.
Justin and I have been broken up for a lil over a week now and things dont seem to be getting any better.
He doesnt understand. i feel NO one understands...
why cant he see that being fat is my BIGGEST fear!!?!?!
Its not easy to just eat. It goes Way deeper than that.
I miss the feeling of being Numb. no emotions and nothing can phase me.
My Ed is the one thing that does not run away.
I want to be happy and i know that is not an option with Ed, but sometimes it seems so much easier to give up.
so here i am in my own battle. Recovery, Is it Worth it?