Self punishment??

Why do I keep doing this to myself?

Does it make me happier?

NO! definately NOT

So why do it?

*

Why starve myself and obsess over every food item that is put in front me?

Why weigh myself and feel like a failure no matter what the number is?

Why isolate and push everyone around me away?

Why punish myself???

Because its what I feel I deserve.

*

I hurt everyone close to me esp. my family.

I have this fuckin Disorder that I seem incapable of beating.

Annie (ed), has taken EVERYTHING away,

Family, Respect, School, Jobs, relationships and friend,

So why doI keep her around.

Maybe because I feel a comfort knowing that she will always be there if I need or want her to.

Shit she will be there Even if I DONT.

She will NOT abandon or turn her back on me.

But FUCK Deep Down I DO NOT want this!!!

I am NOT happy.

I hate Annie.

She Hurts me the most.

*

I want to be happy again.

I want to be in Recovery.

I want to be able to go on outings and NOT have to worry about meals.

I want people to want to be around me again.

I want to make People happy

Most of all I WANT to make MYSELF happy!!!

The New Year...

So today is the start a new year, and it ALREADY sucks!!
My parents have noticed that i have been struggling alot and today it finally came up in a conversation.
These convos. NEVER go well...

Situation:

My mother comes into my room after dinner.

"SO what is bothering you"

Me:"i dont know, to be honest"

Mom:"You dont know!???, Then how are we suppose to help you?"

Me: (maybe to honest) I dont know, i dont know what is wrong and i dont know whether i even want help."

Mom: [stares at me from my doorway, doesnt say anything and SLAMs my door shut. Storms off and leaves home]

This DEFINATELY does NOT help. Now i feel even Worse. I dont know what to do. I know that it hurts and frustrates them, but what can i do? Its NOT all about them!! Im Obsviously NOT happy!! But why??

I have no clue.

Im overwhelmed.

I cant even think clearly about what i want.

I'm stuck.