Its been awhile....

So it has been almost 6months since ive posted anything & I wish I had a Good update, but don't.
Since My last entry, I have been in El Camino Hospital's inpatient (7days) and Their eating disorder PHP.
First let me say that El Camino does NOT have an Eating Disorder program or protocal in the Inpatient, yet they have a PHP...
Makes no sense right?
Anyways, I went into their inpatient because Dr. Mcknight at Herrick Refused to let me back. I started out horrible in my disorder the first couple days and then realized that if I were to get back on track, that it was because I wanted to and it would make me stronger doing it without ED protocal.
Thats right, No RD following my meals, No meal supervision, and No "on site" restrictions folling meal times. I did well for about 5 days. Then signed out and went to the ED PHP.
Mon-Fri 9am-6pm and some meal times on Sat & Sun.
It was Intense!
The first 15days were a struggle but I was doing GREAT!
Then on monday FEB. 15 2010 my Grandpa died.
He had cancer, but STARVATION is what killed him,
to make things worse, I witnessed his death.
IT KILLED ME.
That fri before his death he asked me to make him a promise,
""mija I love you. you are my baby. Promise me No matter what happens you will do all you can to overcome your ED. Promise me that you will get better."
I promised...
but after that day things went down hill....
car accident.
dads alcoholism.
Relationship problems.
I didnt know what to do.

Lets fast forward,
Today I continue to struggle.
worsening everyday.
Im stuck.
Lost.
HOPELESS.

Now what to do?
help. please.