paralyzed...

Its been a couple of days and i still feel stuck.

This ED really has me and I think im in denial.

I tell myself that im struggling but not much.

A Lie.

I tell myself that I can keep going on the cals that im eating.

A Lie.

People ask, How are you doing?

I smile and say im great,

A Lie.

Its funny how dishonesty is my biggest turn off i see in people,

But when it comes to Annie, I hardly speak the truth.

Hypocrite.

I know where this cycle goes if i dont pick it up; Is that enough?

I want to live, I want the chance to follow my dreams but most of all I just

want to be happy... Is there a such thing??

5 years, I have been in this battle. Living in and out of hospitals, hurting myself as well as the ones who love me.

How can I be so selfish?

Justin and I have been seperated for two weeks now (another thing torn by ED)

and all i want is to be happy together like before.

He has told me That Is NOT possible with annie on the side,

He does not want to be with me if i do not chose recovery.

Motivation.

But is it enough?

two days ago I tried to convience myself that i was going to use this break up as motivation.

I want him more than I want Annie.

Do i really?

Two days and things are getting worse!

Excuses:

"I already fucked up my metabolism. If i pick my cals back to where they need to be i will get fat! Look at me, I cant afford to gain ANY more weight!!!!"

"At least im still eating something"

"I will start fresh tomorrow"

Where does all this get me?

NO WHERE

I NEED to get back on track.

Not this week, not after the weekend, not tomorrow, TODAY.

"SOMEONE HELP ME PLEASE!"

"It takes just as much willpower to fight towards recovery as it does to
starve and slowly kill yourself"